whatever

this past weekend my heart was full of memories
being down at the lake
remembering when i was a little girl at my grandma and grandpa’s yellow cabin
wearing those foam life jackets
the carpet on the dock (is that right?)
the boat and zip sledding
my grandpa’s voice
his horn in his van that played songs “you great big beautiful gal”
his little styrofoam cooler with the rope handle
fishing between the boat and the dock for little sun fish
the sparkly ceiling in my grandma’s upstairs powder blue bedroom
i wasn’t supposed to go in there but it was so pretty i couldn’t resist
my mom and sister sent me some pictures for this post.

don’t you LOVE the floating lawn chair?!

my big sister and me.

so watching my kids play in the water
jumping off the dock
trying to fish
the sound of the boats
the smell of the wind off the lake
i was really feeling overwhelmed with good memories
all happy things

on our drive home from the lake
we went through neodesha where i’d lived from age 3 or 4 till i was 8.
we moved to hillsboro after where i lived till i graduated high school
i hadn’t been back to neodesha for 13 years
and only went back maybe 3 times after we moved.
we drove into town and immediately i said “slow down..you’re missing it already!”
it was still the same
very small…so much smaller than i recall (of course)
turning from main street to 8th we started towards where we had lived
it was so close…i had remembered it being such a long walk
telling them “that was my church”
“my friend lived on this street”
“there’s mr. brody’s house…we would watch wizard of OZ at his house when it was on once a year because he had a color tv and ours was black and white.”
“there’s my school…STOP!!STOP!!….that’s where my house was.”
it burned down a long time ago.
the lot was there…empty…
it was just very sad.

it was an old 2 story red brick house with a little porch and old garage
i was sad that i will never be able to see it again
never see the crumbly brick back patio with a “secret tunnel” under that had spiders
never lay in the backyard and look for four leaf clovers
or kill slugs in the flower beds with salt
never see my room
or the slanty playroom
or sit in the window nook in my mom’s room
or run up the stairs
never walk up the bumpy brick sidewalk
i told them “i used to ride my trike around this tree”..
that same one…the bricks were still there around it
i started to cry and i tried to hide it
maybe craig saw i don’t know.
i don’t know why i cried and i am crying now but i am
it just overcomes me and i can’t hold it back

we turned around and saw a bit more before heading out.
“there’s where i went to daycare..we had to rest in that top room”
“that’s where grandpa and grandma worked”
“i threw up in that dairy queen parking lot once”
everyone liked that story.

we left town and right away i wished we hadn’t
i wanted to stay
i needed more time
i wanted to walk around
there was so much we missed…
the library and park
my best friend’s house
the pool or the football field
the tennis courts where my mom played
the quanstrom’s old blue house
the high school..where my mom did aerobics
the field where i played soccer that my mom coached

someday i will go back when i can really take some time.
and pictures.
i hope.

i love my memories
but they are just part of the path that led me to the beautiful life i have now.
*the sweetest part of the trip*
craig said “i’m really glad the newspaper there didn’t work out for your dad”
me too.

in all my lake exhaustion…i forgot to say happy birthday to my mom!
i called her of course but wanted everyone else to know.
check out this young lady from this past christmas!
thanks for everything mom.
have great birthday week.
our present to you should be arriving soon.
lauren was jealous.
she honestly asked if she could open it & use it just once before we mailed it!
what-everrrr.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

group photo
this is a fun family!
they survived our family’s visit
annie kept her tantrums to a minimum
their kids and ours got along great together!

annie’s first boat ride…loved it
we took the boat over to an area with cliffs
and lots of spots to jump from

it was a big hill that was open on one side to the water
each ledge got higher
this is #1

sean from #2

craig diving from #3 which is up very high
but nothing like #4
grandmas hold your breath when you see this

seriously!
it is crazy high!
craig jumped it too…peer pressure
his kids did it
he had to do it too
looking at the pictures i said “i can’t believe i let them do that!”
craig answered “if you’d gone up yourself you’d never have let them do it.”
scott’s bravery amazed us.
he won’t do roller coasters but he tried this?
he was bribed with $5 if he did it.
but he did it many more times just for fun!
josh (11 years old) was very brave so scott didn’t want to seem wimpy
keith (the daddy) did a back flip off #3!
he’s nuts

the first day annie was terrified of the water
she had a death grip on craig and i
then in the afternoon on day #2…..
who is that brave little baby swimming all alone?

she was all over the place
kicking her little legs and splashing dragonflies
go annie!
ahhhh…my arms are free
by the 3rd day i got to float around alone while she entertained herself!

they had a rope tied to a tree
the kids took turns jumping off a ladder in the water
except when the dads scaled the tree to swing
and plunged into the water
making very big splashes

sean tried some fishing
without success
the bigger kids caught minnows with nets
the dog caught butterflies and ate them in one bite

tubing behind the boat
trying knee boarding for the first time
and loving it

new friends josh and hope

it was just a great family weekend
lots and lots of sun (it was HOT!)
and play
and silly silly kids
kids can wear you out but nothing beats family time.
thanks again guys for inviting us out!
maybe next time the mamas will jump the cliff….
HA HA HA HA HA

i feel like i just did this
packing all our stuff up in the truck
but i got to do it again all day today

i have now washed every piece of dirty clothing in our house
i have packed the bags
the towels and swimsuits
food and toys
and 2 new scrapbook magazines of course.

we are headed out for a weekend at the lake with friends from craig’s office.
they have never been around our kids for more than 10 minutes.
i just hope they are prepared for what a weekend with US is like.
i hope they can still work together on Monday.

it should be very fun.
maybe some of the kids will even try to water ski
or whatever kids do behind boats these days.
i think i will be off the boat most of the time.
motion sickness stinks.

when i woke up this morning the pool was green!
it looked like a lake.
so much can change in a day.
so i spent alot of time working on that today
thank you amy d. for helping me
even though you scared me half to death sneaking up on me.
hoping for clear(er) water tomorrow.

4 months after buying the potty seat
having it sit on the kitchen floor
being used as a step stool to reach the dishes….
it served it’s proper purpose today
TWICE.
i am not going to push my luck at all.
when the big kids go to school
we will have time to work on it.
but she understood today.
it clicked.
yeah for annie!!!

it’s late
my banana bread is in the oven and a half sized blueberry buckle
mmmmmmm
and my morning gets to start with donuts.
should be a good day.

and for no reason at all other than
i miss them so much!

love you girlies!
miss you bunches.

i actually didn’t scrap last night.
i made the first 2 pages back in MAY!!
and then yesterday in the day made annie’s page.
technically i put a few more star stickers on last night and painted the edges
but then i got sucked into a tv show…

there is a whole blog called “nobody cares what you had for lunch”
or something like that
but even if you don’t care
look at my yummy lunch!

it looked so pretty on my plate…worthy of a photo
i made 1 piece of chicken on the indoor grill
as soon as it was done the kids were asking for some
if i would’ve asked if they wanted it they all would’ve said no.
i didn’t share.

this afternoon 4 of the 5 were gone
so i had time with just annie
i don’t think that has happened ALL SUMMER
and what do you know?
no screaming
just smiles and laughter

she filled buckets with the hose
played bubbles
got in the buckets she filled
ran in the water i sprayed at her
poured buckets of water on her head and my toes
and drank from the hose
is that gross?
i don’t know?

we stopped by the fresh corn stand in town
doesn’t it just feel healthier and yummier when you buy it from the stand?
it was good.
i overcooked it a little
nothing new.

i thought to myself several times today
“7 more days till school starts”
then a smile came across my face
bad mom.

much better.
much calmer.
more sleep.
refreshed.

i got lauren enrolled in school…finally.
she was given a lower locker.
she went to the office and said “um..since i am like the tallest kid in seventh grade…would it be possible to have an upper locker?”
she decorated it later with a friend.
SEVENTH GRADE!!! yikes.
i remember football games, slumber parties, dressing alike with my friends, “going together”, hanging out at pizza hut and boys boys boys,
i wonder what she will remember.

i managed to get annie to play “sprinklro-ene” for almost an hour today.
(sprinkler under the trampoline)
i fell asleep on a blanket in the grass for maybe 3 minutes.

inside for a much needed wake up snack.
iced coffee and chocolate chip cookies…mmmm.

then an impromptu haircut on the porch.
i just thought she needed one.
she won’t wear ANY thing in her hair for more than five minutes
she won’t let me brush it.
it usually looks like this.

so i chopped a bunch off.
it’s not perfect but it will be super cute after a bath.

then she was rewarded for sitting still (sort of) with m&m’s.

then she shoved the whole handful in her mouth.

we ate a dinner of noodles and grilled cheese
went for a walk around the block with ice cream cones
a quick swim in the pool
and off to bed before 8:00.

now it’s lauren’s bedtime so i am off to the craft room to start scrappin’.
(or watch tv..whichever comes first)

raise your hand if you feel you are a slave to your hormones?
raise your hand if you would (want to) punch anyone who accused you of it?

i do.
i do.
me.
yes.

my saturday night consisted of a listening to a screaming 2 year old for 30 minutes from 2:15 – 2:45 AM.
then when all was quiet…i could not fall asleep again.
i got up and watched HGTV shows that were recorded till 3:30.
went back to bed.
still couldn’t sleep.
is that restless leg syndrome real? i think i have it.
got up and ate 2 bowls of cereal.
read 2 magazines and then 1 Corinthians.
i finally fell back to sleep.

then at church…annie decided for the first time ever to not go in the nursery.
more screaming.
craig was counting offering so i had to stay at church sitting in the hall with a naughty baby.

i was so mad….at everything.
mad that i was tired.
mad at annie.
mad at craig for being so smiley (and cute).
mad at myself for being so mad.

we went home and craig sweetly made me some lunch.
i ate it without saying thank you and walked up to my bed.
2 hours later i woke up to more screaming.
i was so mad that i went outside and cleaned up the yard.
then craig decided to go play golf…why?
was he feeling mad himself?
it couldn’t be my fault? (ha)

morgan did i do that right?
“whatever”

bottom line…i needed a break and i hadn’t taken one…the right way.
a break needs to be gone not just upstairs.
i haven’t been alone for a long time.
i remembered my post about going crazy, needing a break, being proactive, scheduling time for myself.
i looked it up.
it was exactly 2 months ago to the day .
june 5.
it made me smile.
“it was the hormoneees” (big fat greek wedding)
i know it’s hormones but it’s not like that helps how i feel.
i have got to have a break on the calendar.
so that it doesn’t get this bad.
i have to take it because no one is going to do it for me.
they just want to get away from me…but not have me leave..
who would fill the sippy cups and warm up the hot dogs?
i have to get this done.
i said i would and then i didn’t.
because by tomorrow i will feel okay and the urgency won’t be overwhelming me.
so maybe….i will just take the 5th of each month off.

after the kids were in bed we just vegged out.
tommy boy was on HBO.
how can you be mad watching that?
“BEES…they’re huge and they’re sting crazy!”
it cheered me up.

i stayed up late enough to ensure a full nights sleep.
and i am so grateful that annie slept all night too.

and not to be misunderstood…
i am grateful.
i am grateful for a loving husband who tiptoes around me when i get like this…to keep the peace.
grateful for forgiveness after i act this way.
for being understood by so many other mamas.
i am grateful for kids who play well together 97% off the time.
grateful for their loud voices and laughter and energy and healthy bodies
for a soft bed that i can crawl into on a sunday afternoon
for another day and another chance to try to do things the right way.