i have had several people ask me how craig and i stay "connected".
i asked craig what he thought and we discussed it for awhile.
so…..i will give you my answers but please be sure to know that i am not saying we are perfect.
i am not saying we have all the answers.
i am not saying we have it all figured out.
but this is what is working for us:
1. we make time to be together.
alone.
no kids.
pretty often.
sometimes it's going out to dinner….sometimes it's overnight….sometimes it's a whole weekend.
once it was a whole week and we both would say it was the best week of our entire lives.
i am serious.
most times it's after the kids are in bed and we are watching our favorite shows together or a movie.
that counts.
(netflix is so good for in-home dates)
our relationship comes first….above the kids…above every activity we could get involved in…FIRST.
it's the top priority.
2. we treat each other with respect.….we are thoughtful, kind, loving, encouraging & patient.
we both try not to say anything hurtful to each other.
we do not criticize each other in front of our children….and try not to at any time.
we compliment and thank each other for even the small stuff…as often as possible.
"this dinner was great babe" or "thanks so much for bringing down the laundry" etc.
3. we are on the same team with our parenting.
the kids don't get one answer from me and a different answer from him.
trust me they try.
they try to ask for things when the other parent isn't around but we have decided to answer with
"i will talk to dad" or "i will talk to mom about it" before we give our answers.
of course not about everything….but bigger things like sleep overs or dances or money kinds of things.
4. we laugh together A LOT.
life is funny….so we laugh at stuff all the time.
who wants to go through life being serious or angry all the time?
we are constantly cracking each other up.
5. we have trusted our marriage to God.
He has control of everything…we give our marriage to HIM.
He created the whole world…He can handle us….He knows.
He has plans for us and a future.
God gave us a guide for how to love each other in the bible….how to be a wife…how to be a husband.
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that is what works for us….right now….in this season of life.
we still fight…sometimes.
we still disappoint each other…occasionally.
we are two flawed people trying our best to love each other in an imperfect world.
it's not always easy but it is always worth it.
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good books on marriage:
For Women Only by Shaunti Feldman
The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman
The Power of the Praying Wife by Stormie Omartian
Enhancing Your Marriage bible study guide by Judy Rossi (i really enjoyed this one!)
if you have other book suggestions please feel free to share a favorite book in the comments.
Jenn A. - Love this post. “For Women Only” is a wee little book that completely changed my understanding of my husband. It is a powerful one. Thanks for being honest-it means a lot to read about the real deal.
Kate @ Songs Kate Sang - There is a beautiful book called A Severe Mercy by Sheldon Van Aucken. It talks about building a hedge between your marriage and the rest of the world… true story… tragic… amazing… beautiful.
pam - I loved all the books mentioned. How is that?
My favorite though – Sheet Music – by Kevin Leman. I think every couple getting married should receive this for a wedding gift. It will eliminate much struggle.
Eric would say hands down this marriage series by John Piper – http://www.desiringgod.org/resource-library/series-index/marriage-christ-and-covenant-one-flesh-for-the-glory-of-god – was life changing. It was the first time he had heard this approach. All the books previously by other authors were ineffective to him because they were too much about feelings or “you’re in control…self help”. They were more centered on what we can change about ourselves. But the Piper series takes the focus off of us and gave the glory to God.
You and Craig rock! I’ve learned a lot from both of you!
Tara - Love this post…I say yes and AMEN to all of it!
we’ve read those same books…loved them all…
Amac - Thanks for this post! I love your blog! I wanted to chime in on book suggestions and say that “Creative Counterpart” by Linda Dillow has been a very helpful book for me. It has lots of advice on how to be the wife God intends for us to be to our husbands. I love it’s practicality.
Amber - Created to be his Help Meet. I’ll admit the author made me mad at first. And I still can’t agree with everything she writes. But overall, a great read. Changed my attitude.
Michele - Thanks for sharing this. Simple and straightforward. My husband and I have been married for eight years, and I’d like to think some of the same things you listed are what have helped us have a good marriage. You know, after eight years of marriage he’s still the person I want to hang out with the most. We have fun together and genuinely like each other. Of course, we love each other, but I think he’s a really cool person, too. The last line is my favorite. God gave us a guide on how to be a husband and wife…the Bible. Amen!!!
Debby Graber - Men Are Like Waffles; Women Are Like Spaghetti. Great book! One couple (who you know well) say it saved their marriage – not sure if they were joking or not, but we have used it with our different young marrieds groups.
Kjeldredkanoza - Meg, you are a highlight of my day! Your family is beautiful and ALIVE! 🙂 Happy belated 35th – 35 was a hard one for me for some odd reason but that lasted like 2 seconds and then I forged on! I love your relationship with your babes – love your sense of style etc etc etc (I could really gush forever). On this post about how you keep things alive – and this is a bit personal, but how do you keep thins ALIVE, if you know what I mean – sometimes I feel so spent at the end of the day and harried that that being ALIVE (;-)) is the last thing I want (I work full-time for attorneys (love/hate relationship with them but it is my profession) and have a 9 year old and 3 teen step children that are very much a part of our lives. I just feel like I’m letting my husband down. Heck, I’m letting me down – I want a sliver back of our days gone by. 🙂 Oh, and if you wouldn’t mind posting some of your favorite holiday crafts. I so want to get that started with my kids. Thanks!
Shelley - ok..i thought it was about time I stop stalking your blog and leave a comment. I just adore your blog and its in my top 3 favorites. I dont know what I love the best…your passion for Christ..your passion for your family..or your passion for color and decorating. i just adore your blog…i wish you would post like 3 a day..haha. Be blessed my friend
Melanie - This is a great list. My husband and I are like that. We still laugh together (after 19 yrs.) We enjoy being together, I greet him at the door each night, and we are just kind to each other. We like each other and I think that that is very important.
Brooke - Love and Respect is an amazing book.
Someone may have said it already. But it talks about how men receive love through RESPECT. Where as women receive LOVE through LOVE (romance, kind things, etc.). Men need to feel RESPECTED much more than they need to feel loved by their spouse. This was a new feeling for me. Because if you asked me, I would say I need to feel loved above respected. Very interesting.
PS. I love all your thoughts on marriage. I agree. I love that you put each other first. I LOVE the book “Five love languages” ….very insightful. I feel like it’s important to realize there are always new things to learn about your spouse 🙂
elisa - The Proper Care And Feeding Of Marriage…..life changing.
I’ve been married 27 years and I wish I would have read it way back in the day. It would have helped tremendously.
Great post…..we all need strong families like yours in todays society.
Sarah@Clover Lane - This is SO beautiful! Better than any kind of lovey dovey thing I’ve ever read…it’s real and honest, and totally RIGHT.
Tanya @ Life in 3D - This is a great post, thanks…for realz 🙂
Courtney Henson - Okay, I totally printed out what you wrote to show my husband AND to hang it on my chalkboard in my kitchen…I think I need a daily reminder! Thanks for the great advice…stuff we all know but don’t always live by…
Lindsey@ Piecefully Home - Such a nice, encouraging post. Thanks for sharing that, I’d also say the book Sacred Marriage is fantastic. I borrowed it from the library, but I think I NEED to own it.
mandy friend - Yay Meg! God is so good. Thanks for the testimony, I’d reccommend Love and Respect as well!
Ingrid Blanchette - lose this post…thank you for sharing! i’m married to my best friend and he is truly wonderful…but we’re both human and fall short. we’ve been married for 2 amazing years and have many many years ahead of us. but in the 2 years we have endured much pain. lost 2 babies – one ectopic and the most recent when i was 6 months pregnant. i lost my job when recession hit and we’ve also moved (to a beautiful new house which we love) but moving is still stressors! through all this…we come together, pray together and remind one another that we’re on the same team. we’re currently reading ‘How We Love’ discovering your love style by Yerkovich! It’s much like 5 love languages but goes deeper to what is rooted in us from our childhood. How my past hurts work with his…it’s good and I’d suggest it to anybody! Thanks again for your post! Love your blog…
Andria - Meg,
I have been married almost 20 years. I think the single best you gave is to treat each other with respect and kindness. It is amazing to me how many married people talk to each other in a way they wouldn’t talk to anybody else. Saying please, thank you, thanking each other for the small things, and not criticizing in front of others is HUGE!!!! Thanks girl!!!!
Amie - I’ve been together with my husband for 10 years this Dec. and married for 5 years this past May. We have 3 kids. 12 year old Ready-Made from my husbands previous relationship, a 3 year old and a 17 month old. I love how you said “you put each other first- above the kids-” For a lot of couples I know they think this is horrible- How could you put your kids second? Ghastly! But it’s so true! Without the love, support, connection from each other- we wouldn’t be the best for our family. Laughter, and a partner in crime are essential to a lasting relationship.
Love your site, your colors, your wit… Amie
Jen - I LOVE it, and I say DITTO… On Nov 10th my hubby and I will be married {20} TWENTY years… We married the day after I turned 16 {he was 19} I have been with him since I was 14 years old and my parents believed my heart and LOVE for him and after MUCH prayer agreed to allow me to marry… We waited a few years before starting our family, after all I need to graduate from high school… hahaha, I am even more in love with him today… and “they” said it wouldn’t last… HA
Julie - I second For Women Only ~ great book! #5 is the most important for us (we don’t do as well with the other 4), but we have always believed that the 3rd person in our relationship ~ Christ ~ was the glue to our marriage. Just had an interesting conversation with my sister about how we discover holiness through marriage ~ thus Holy Marriage.
julia - good post.
lunch (no kids!) is my favorite time together.
shauna - good book ideas!
i love Love and War by the Eldredges and Love and Respect by Dr. Emmerson Eggerichs.
both are great.
I think Love and Respect is a bit more of a masculine perspective on how to change your marriage.
And Love and War is a bit more about inspiring the heart and a bit more feminine.
thanks for sharing, Meg.
Shoppin4Sophia - Thank you for the reaffirmation of everything God intended marriage to be. I have been trying to live the Fruits of the Spirit as a wife and mother – not always successfully – but I’ve been trying. And you know what…..I see a change in me, in my marriage, in the way I parent my child. God has given us the compass, the direction manual in the Bible for all parts of our lives! That is so AMAZING to me. Thank you for this blog post today.
Whitni - I am getting married in May and I am currently reading the five love languages. We’ve only been together for three years, so obviously the love hasn’t lost its sparkle yet, but any relationship could always use a revival. This book has helped me to think about what he needs from me instead of what I need from him. It’s so awesome, our relationship has definitely matured. We have a long way to go, but I’m glad you mentioned those other books because I want to work as hard as I have to to beat the statistics of 50% of all marriages ending in divorce.
Sugar Mama - You hit a good one… trusting your marriage to God. That’s all we can do is trust sometimes. I once talked to a lady at my church that had been married for years (to the same man I should add) and she told me that not every day will be sunshine and rainbows. Some days she looks at her husband and doesn’t know how they stayed married for so long, but more of the days she looks at him and knows that’s who she wants to be with for forever.
And knowing that you aren’t perfect and things don’t have to be perfect is SO important!
Nina Diane - wow Meg….that was like reading a page out of my marriage! Johnny and I have been married for 31 years and believe me, all 31 have been fantastic! And I credit that to the very same things you listed on your blog!!
rebecca - mmmm. good advice for a young married girl! my hubz and i joke about how we are just like rihanna and eminiem’s song where they describe their relationship as “a tornado meets a volcano”! 🙂 we try to lessen it to “a strong wind meets a soft bubbling of lava”
really have been meaning to read power of a praying wife for quite sometime now… thanks!
Juli - I haven’t read the 4th book. I will have to check that out. I agree with another post mentioning “Love and Respect”.
You can pratically SEE in your photos these things lived out. Like making each other laugh…I’ve seen photos where y’all do that!
I think a big key point is not to compare your marriage to others, too. I have struggled with that in our 16 yrs. I look at a friend’s husband and wonder why he comes home & play with the children for hours in the backyard. I’ve wonder with another family how they find the money to budget for a Disney trip each year when all of ours goes into savings! Also, my husband is very smart and his brain is always working. He has a very strong need to exercise that muscle so he is currently going back to school for yet another Master’s degree. On top of his FT & very demanding job, he doesn’t have a lot of time left for us. I have to let him do that. I’ve haven’t seen him happier in a long time since he started back. He comes alive when he can use that brain!
Each family looks different. We have an excellent marriage but our relationship looks very little like yours. My husband would never be jumping into the pool from the trampoline (he’d say that was dangerous) he’d never be silly (just not him) and I can’t remember the last time we had a “date”. However, he makes me laugh, he loves me, he wants nothing but the best for me & the kids and works so hard to give it to us at the expense of himself. I wouldn’t have him any other way! Not comparing has been a hard lesson. I think we all have a tendency to do that but it is not productive.
Becky @ Farmgirl Paints - thanks for sharing that meg. it seems at this age i’m noticing more and more friends calling it quits with their marriages. just little tips like this can really make someone stop and think…to try a little harder. we pretty much share the exact same philosophy with our marriage.
Rachel - Oh my gosh – I could have totally written this because I loved every single point you made! 🙂
Thanks for the suggestions for marriage books – I have been looking for recommended ones!
Tammy - Great advice!
We really got a lot out of the book Love & War by John and Stacy Eldridge
Sara - I love what you said about spending time together.My hubby and I like coffee dates and “netflix” dates rock!!!!!
Deanna - Love and Rect by Eggreich (sp?). Very very helpful book! 🙂
Mindy Harris - Thanks for touching on this subject. As a mom I am very focused on providing a solid beginning for my babies, and oftentimes my marriage to Shawn falls by the wayside.
Fortunately, we still think each other is hilarious and cool. So that’s something! Ha….We are looking forward to a date this Saturday night!
Sarah S. - Thanks for sharing! My husband and I try to do these too. Respect and consideration are so important in marriage! A book that was really helpful in our marriage was Gary Chapman’s “Five Languages of Apology.” It actually really helps in any type of relationship!
se7en - Fabulous post!!! I have had a similar one lurking in the back of my mind – but I would rather leave it up to the experts!!! We love Shaunti Feldman too… though I never thought I would, she was right on in everything!!!
heather - I love that you shared this…such a great reminder for all of us. Looking forward to my anniversary getaway this weekend, minus 4 kids! Woohoo!
Elaine - The best thing we can give our kids is the model of a loving marriage, after all, home is where their story begins. I would be lying if I said that after 20 years of marriage, hubby doesn’t get on my nerves 🙂 Or that I have not failed many many times when I have not treated him with the respect he needs.. I can only do it with God’s help… which He always gives when I ask!
Another good read is His Needs, Her Needs by William F Harley Jr. A classic. His needs are sexual fulfillment, recreational companionship, an attractive spouse, domestic support and admiration. Her needs are affection, conversation, honesty, financial support, and family commitment. Are we opposites or what???!!!
Flower Patch Farmgirl - LUV this. Amen. And bring on the no-kids weekend.
Diane - you are right on with all of your advice. We have been married 27 years and everything you said is true.
Phoenix_Rising - With a full heart, I have to say I LOVE YOU BOTH. No, I don’t know you IRL. Doesn’t matter. I love you guys. I love your honesty. You are refreshing, so truthful and wonderful and magnificent.
Lisa - Sounds like you have this marriage thing pretty figured out, it’s nice to hear. I am divorced, but I can still appreciate a good marriage, it gives me a little faith that there are happy couples out there……
RLG - Respect is a BIG one for us. And laughter. Great post, Meg.
LOVE your Blue Lily picture. We had our pic session on Monday. Wendy and Tyler are AWESOME. I was laughing so hard, I think I’ll probably look like a donkey in EVERY picture. xoxo
Gemma - Hi Meg!
Great advice. I’m still young & not married but these tips are always good to keep in mind…especially alone time!!
Gemma x
Laura Phelps - 🙂
thanks
Lindsay - Sacred Marriage by Gary Thomas. My husband and I can be fighting and I can be soooo mad and once I pick up this book and even read one page, I feel like all I want to do is love him. He does a good job of incorporating scripture in and really focusing his book on that. It’s VERY good.
Katie - Thanks for being real. We have enjoyed some of the books mentioned and also When Sinners Say I Do by Dave Harvey (talks about mercy and grace). Also we have what we call “in dates”. We usually get take out and eat together when our little children are in bed…a good time to talk and connect!
Jill - Great post! And I totally agree about the Five Love Languages being an awesome book to read. My husband and I read it and so many things became so obvious to us about how we needed to be treating each other, it completely changed our marriage and really helps us meet each others needs so much more effectively now. Thanks!!
Sara @ It's Good to be Queen - i love this, we do all these too.
Suzann - Wonderful advice.
I struggle here, so I appreciate this post.
Holly - Sometimes I look at my husband and I love him so fiercely it hurts. Marriage is not always easy, we are so different. I try to learn his ways, appreciate his ways and he does the same for me. I love his familiar face, his familiar hand in mine.
becky @ oursweetpeas - Love and Respect was another powerful book for our marriage. I am blanking on the author.
I find it scary that even one of my 3 yr olds will say “but Dad said yes”. You gotta love that sin nature. 🙂 Yikes!
cecilia - Thanks for the tips, and the reminders. I think sometimes we get so caught up in “being parents ” that we lose sight of the fact that we are still a couple… We also dont have many options for sitters except to pay for one and that can be costly nowadays. Thanks again, this is something I will try to keep in mind!
Tracy - Aww…. I love these. Our kids are both almost 17 years old now so my husband and I are actually getting to start spending a lot more of our time together – which has been so nice for a change. We have always taken time for “us” such as every other year we would take a “us” vacation and the following year it would be a “family” vacation. It was really hard on us when the kids were young like yours because after the 2nd day we would both be missing them and wanting to get back home to them something terribly. Now, we really enjoy our “quiet” time. Thanks for the book suggestions, I am going to look into those! :o)xoxoxo
Kat - Thanks for the timely reminder that my husband and I need to make more time to be together as a couple.
It is really tricky with 4 young children and not much of a support network for childminding.
I think we have spent the last two years just surviving sleep deprivation and juggling 4 kids.
Lucky we can love and laugh together lots too, even if we have only been on one date this year.
You sound like you have a great marriage.
Nikki - Excellent tips. I agree, you need to spend time together… alone. My husbands work schedule is flexible, we go out for morning tea or lunch most days.
Find a hobby to share…we recently got a double kyak and have alot of fun paddling up our local canals.
Great marriages take work!
pam - We have always encouraged young couples with kids to put God first but then be the best “couple” you can be and you will then be the best parents for your kids. Some things are so simple…but do take that commitment to follow through.
Yolanda - I love this post, thanks for sharing. “Sacred Marriage” by Gary Thomas is another great resource.
Valerie @ Chateau A La Mode - Thanks for the tips on keeping a strong marriage. It’s so important especially in today’s society to make marriage a priority and WORK at it. You do have to make a conscience decision to keep your marriage together. Thanks Meg for keeping it real.