nostalgia

this past weekend my heart was full of memories
being down at the lake
remembering when i was a little girl at my grandma and grandpa’s yellow cabin
wearing those foam life jackets
the carpet on the dock (is that right?)
the boat and zip sledding
my grandpa’s voice
his horn in his van that played songs “you great big beautiful gal”
his little styrofoam cooler with the rope handle
fishing between the boat and the dock for little sun fish
the sparkly ceiling in my grandma’s upstairs powder blue bedroom
i wasn’t supposed to go in there but it was so pretty i couldn’t resist
my mom and sister sent me some pictures for this post.

don’t you LOVE the floating lawn chair?!

my big sister and me.

so watching my kids play in the water
jumping off the dock
trying to fish
the sound of the boats
the smell of the wind off the lake
i was really feeling overwhelmed with good memories
all happy things

on our drive home from the lake
we went through neodesha where i’d lived from age 3 or 4 till i was 8.
we moved to hillsboro after where i lived till i graduated high school
i hadn’t been back to neodesha for 13 years
and only went back maybe 3 times after we moved.
we drove into town and immediately i said “slow down..you’re missing it already!”
it was still the same
very small…so much smaller than i recall (of course)
turning from main street to 8th we started towards where we had lived
it was so close…i had remembered it being such a long walk
telling them “that was my church”
“my friend lived on this street”
“there’s mr. brody’s house…we would watch wizard of OZ at his house when it was on once a year because he had a color tv and ours was black and white.”
“there’s my school…STOP!!STOP!!….that’s where my house was.”
it burned down a long time ago.
the lot was there…empty…
it was just very sad.

it was an old 2 story red brick house with a little porch and old garage
i was sad that i will never be able to see it again
never see the crumbly brick back patio with a “secret tunnel” under that had spiders
never lay in the backyard and look for four leaf clovers
or kill slugs in the flower beds with salt
never see my room
or the slanty playroom
or sit in the window nook in my mom’s room
or run up the stairs
never walk up the bumpy brick sidewalk
i told them “i used to ride my trike around this tree”..
that same one…the bricks were still there around it
i started to cry and i tried to hide it
maybe craig saw i don’t know.
i don’t know why i cried and i am crying now but i am
it just overcomes me and i can’t hold it back

we turned around and saw a bit more before heading out.
“there’s where i went to daycare..we had to rest in that top room”
“that’s where grandpa and grandma worked”
“i threw up in that dairy queen parking lot once”
everyone liked that story.

we left town and right away i wished we hadn’t
i wanted to stay
i needed more time
i wanted to walk around
there was so much we missed…
the library and park
my best friend’s house
the pool or the football field
the tennis courts where my mom played
the quanstrom’s old blue house
the high school..where my mom did aerobics
the field where i played soccer that my mom coached

someday i will go back when i can really take some time.
and pictures.
i hope.

i love my memories
but they are just part of the path that led me to the beautiful life i have now.
*the sweetest part of the trip*
craig said “i’m really glad the newspaper there didn’t work out for your dad”
me too.